Once Upon a Time there was a little Girl. One day she was playing in the woods out the back of the family home, playing all alone. What fun she was having, she didn’t need friends, just the wind through the trees, the light flickering through the branches above, and a voice calling to her…a voice? But who could be out here? Nobody came here but her.

Curious, she followed the sound until she came to a rotten, hollow, old tree. The voice came from inside. Come closer it said, look inside my tree it said. So she did, she peaked inside, the voice sounded friendly after all, and it knew her name, Wendy, maybe she did want a friend, but then, she was dead.

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What a silly little girl, wandering off all on her own, following strange voices in the woods. Her poor parents will be devastated, oh deary me, whatever can be done?

I know! I look like her now, I have all of her traits all of her memories. I can take her place, just as I took her life.

So off I went, laughing and skipping through the trees, for that’s what little girls do, and soon I was splashing my way through the swampy ground around the big white house with the shutters and there were my Mother and Father smiling and waving at me from the back porch.

They’re not waving anymore. They’re laying very still on the floor. That’s going to have to be it for my tale I’m afraid. I’m running out of tape…

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Let’s start with something positive. The fantasy sets, the creatures and the practical effects are a welcome sight. This is still in the era where model work and puppetry is used instead of CGI. Though not on the level of something like Gremlins or Labyrinth there’s clearly a lot of love and care gone into the fantasy world and the creatures within it, a big bonus in my book.

So, is there anything else good? Honestly, it’s very entertaining, this is a film to watch with a few friends as you move from one bizarre character or situation to the next, that’s how I watched it. I’m not sure how it would hold up in that regard if watched alone. It certainly isn’t scary, but I would say it’s disgusting at times, mostly the look of some of the creatures, they often look very…damp.

The human characters are all just that, characters, everybody is so over the top, from the sex hound to the ex-marine, who’s room looks like a set from Jumanji, to probably the best character Eunice St. Clair played by the wonderful June Lockhart. Best known for her roles in the classic TV Series Lassie and Lost in Space, this veteran Actor feels a little out of place in a film like this but honestly she’s very welcome and adds a little gravitas when she’s on screen.

I’m not sure that this film knew what it wanted to be. The general feel of the film is akin to the previously mentioned Labyrinth or The NeverEnding Story. It comes across as a Children’s film in a lot of ways, but it earned a 15 rating on release and was only ‘downgraded’ to a 12 in the early 2000s. I’m not entirely sure it deserved the 15, it’s not particularly violent, or lewd, but it would likely be scary for younger children, but then so would Labyrinth to be honest and that received a ‘U’ rating. Let’s not get started on ratings and their inconsistencies, let’s just say this film seems to sit between a Children’s film and a full Horror without really being either.

This non-spoiler part of the review is relatively short this time, because honestly there’s not a huge amount I can talk about without going into more detail than I’d like to. Maybe a lot of people wouldn’t consider some of the parts below spoilers but I’d rather err on the side of caution.

I was torn between 2 different scores here, but ultimately decided on 3 Pod People out of 5. It’s ridiculous, the acting is a very mixed bag and the story feels a bit nonsensical, but ultimately it’s fun to watch, I enjoyed it, and in the end that’s what you want from a film. It’s no masterpiece, and even a 4 is out of the question but it’s not a 2 either, a 2 or less needs to lose my interest, and this didn’t.

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**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

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Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

So! Specifics! This film has some very odd scenes.

Firstly the part where the menagerie of forest creatures start to perform a song together, whilst another character, Malcom, recites an old story for the Potters in another room, a weird penis/mushroom sings an aria of sorts and finally Eunice St. Clair blows an old hunting horn to silence everyone. It’s quite something.

Going back to Malcom. I did him a bit of a disservice earlier saying that Eunice was probably the best character. She’s fun yes, but it’s Malcom, played by Phil Fondacaro an actor who’s appeared in several films including as an Ewok in Return of the Jedi and alongside Warwick Davis again in Willow, it’s Malcom who brings a more serious side to the film. Most of the time everything is pretty silly but then he revels to Wendy/Torok that he’s dying, referring to recessive genes and it’s actually a very sad scene. Torok the Troll, incidentally, is also played by Phil Fondacaro.

Going into detail more and re-watching a few parts I realise there are actually a few decent bits of acting in the film. Jenny Beck, who plays Wendy, is great in her dual role of normal little girl and Troll in disguise, in fact she was nominated by the Youth in Film Association, for ‘Exceptional Performance by a Young Actress’.

Some of the other acting in the film is not quite so good. Now this isn’t always the fault of the actors, though sometimes it is, but for example there’s a scene where Harry Potter senior puts on some music and starts to dance to it. Now it’s hard to describe exactly but he starts strutting around the lounge, getting really really into it, I guess how you and I might if we found ourselves dancing alone, but it’s honestly so over the top, he’s flailing around, rolling his eyes, and the music is so loud it’s making the dishes fall over in the next room. The Potters would be awful neighbours. I’m going to assume that Michael Moriarty, Emmy, Golden Globe and Tony winning actor might I add, who plays Harry Potter senior was directed to act this way, because as those accolades show, it’s not due to a lack of talent.

I mentioned the creature work in the film earlier, essentially Torok is going around converting the building into a fairy forest full of fairy folk, but these aren’t the pretty fairies you’re probably thinking of, they’re closer to what you might call goblins. Personally I love how they look, they’re varied and as I said clearly somebody put some love into them. It kind of makes me want to visit this forest realm, but then, I’m weird. Torok turns Malcom into one of these creatures, though he refers to him as an ‘elf’, I would think a better description would be ‘Wet moustachioed baby’ which looks very odd. Probably the weirdest creature of them all is the aforementioned penis mushroom called Galwyn, who used to be a man, and Eunice’s teacher, before his current fungal form. But either way, he’s a wet meaty looking mushroom.

The ending of the film is actually a bit of a surprise, and not as generic as you might expect. Harry Jr. finds the real Wendy but when trying to escape Torok’s realm they are attacked by a huge bat winged monster, which honestly I thought looked great, a genuine threat. Torok though decides to save them because he doesn’t want Wendy to be killed and so he destroys his own world, returning ever…oh only returning Eunice to herself. Wait…what happened to all those people who got turned into plants or fairy creatures, or whatever actually happened to them? Are they dead? Is Malcom dead? I often talk about how I find myself not caring about characters in these films, but I care about Malcom! That sucks, at least acknowledge it rather than have Eunice tell Harry Jr. that he did a good job. Oh of course Torok is ok as well, so wait, it didn’t destroy his world, oh I don’t know, the ending is a bit odd as all of the fairy creatures seem to have gone but Torok is able to just start over…

…damn I miss Malcom.