Tag: Comedy

28 – Resurrection (The Mummy)

As the woman begins to speak, a wind begins to whip about the crowd. There are a few murmurs and the narrator’s voice falters slightly, but she continues.

The last word of the sentence is spoken, the wind dies, the murmurs cease…

The stage explodes. Splinters of wood whip past your face and those nearest the front are thrown to the floor, the narrator lays slumped at the foot of a tree several feet from the remains of the stage.

As the dust kicked up by the detonation begins to clear, an arm reaches up out of the pile of blasted wood. The arm is ragged, all sinew and bone. Tatters of cloth are wrapped about it in places and you feel your heart begin to race.

Could it be? Is this the creature from the cinema? No…it’s different…similar yes…but different.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the figure of a man pulls himself out of the wreckage. The head is more skull than anything else, the empty eye sockets, horrid pits.

Groping about, the man…the thing…finds the still breathing body of one of the unfortunate people who had stood in the front row. The grasping fingers find what they seek, there is a terrible scream.

The thing looks up. The sockets are no longer empty.

So here we are, my third review of a mummy film, perhaps the random number generator likes the mummy sub genre…or maybe it’s just that about 20 of the 300 or so candidates are mummy films…OK it’s me, I like mummies! The question is, do I like this mummy film?

Let’s find out, this time I’m reviewing what is probably the most watched film featuring the classic monster, it’s Stephen Sommer’s 1999 epic, The Mummy.

Let’s get something out of the way. Is this actually a horror film? Well, it’s primarily an action adventure, but the fact it contains a mummy and is essentially a reboot of Universal’s mummy franchise means that I’m quite happy including it. Also, it has some pretty horrific things which happen in it, this is not quite child friendly. From a certificate point of view this was an odd one as it was cut slightly to get a 12 in the cinema then the uncut home version was a 15.

So the premise of the film concerns various adventurers, treasure hunters and archaeologists searching for a lost city in the deserts of Egypt and encountering an ancient malevolent mummy. I referred to the film as an epic, and that’s just how it feels, it’s honestly more like an Indiana Jones film than anything else, the soaring music, the action, the quippy dialogue, the genuine creepy moments, it’s all there.

Our main trio of characters are Rick O’Connell (Brendan Fraser), American, former member of the French Foreign Legion. Evelyn Carnahan, a British Egyptologist (Rachel Weisz), and her brother Jonathan Carnahan (John Hannah)…who seems to be a bit of a playboy more than anything else.

The Chemistry between Brendan Fraser and and Rachel Weisz’s characters is fantastic. I know I mentioned it already but this is like the true 4th Indy film, more so than The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ever was. Arnold Vosloo plays the titular creature with gravitas, as with Universal’s original 1932 film, this mummy is no simple shambling brute but a powerful, intelligent being more akin to a sorcerer.  Whilst we’re talking actors I can’t forget that this film has it’s moments of hilarity, most notably when Kevin J. O’Connor or Omid Djalili are on screen. Honestly the whole cast is fantastic.

The locations are equally good. Sweeping desert vistas, dark foreboding tombs, opulent villas and all set in 1920’s colonial Egypt. This is all enhanced further by Jerry Goldsmith’s grand musical score which puts you in mind of the epics of earlier decades, totally suited to scale of this film.

Even the CGI effects manage to stand the test of time and mostly hold up, even by today’s standards, at the time they looked incredible. If I had to be nit picky I’d say the lighting looks a little off when we are seeing the animated mummy for the first time, but honestly for 1999 I should just shut the hell up, especially if we look at the Scorpion King from this film’s sequel which reeeeeallly doesn’t hold up…maybe we’ll get to that sometime.

From a horror point of view, what’s here to justify that label? Well as I mentioned this is part of Universal’s horror legacy, with The Mummy being one of the original ‘Universal Monsters’. There are plenty of creepy parts to this film, far more than in the 1932 original. We see animated corpses, flesh eating bugs, and one poor character has parts of his body removed. Under the action and romance, this film doesn’t forget its horror roots.

Having said this the film can get pretty goofy at times. This can somewhat take the sense of danger away at times, we don’t really feel that any of our main group are going to die. Plenty of characters do die in the film, but it’s certainly not going to be a surprise. If the film lacks anything it’s subtlety. It’s grand, it’s dramatic, but it’s not clever.

So is it any good? The truth is, I’ve watched this film more times than most in my collection, it’s a film that I can watch over and over without getting bored, it’s a special film to me and is a big reason why I have a love for Mummies. Universal knew what they were doing with this reboot, but I’m giving The Mummy 4 scarabs out of 5. I did debate giving this a 5, my enjoyment of the film ultimately carries the most weight here, I absolutely love it…but it really isn’t a 5. You could argue that if it had that subtlety and a greater sense of true danger then maybe it would ultimately be less enjoyable. Perhaps…perhaps it’s difficult for a film like this to attain such heights, is it trying to be too many things? This is still a very good film and one I’ll no doubt watch again and again in the future.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

So I mentioned that the film has its creepy moments. For me the best of these is after the group we are following has survived their initial encounter with the resurrected mummy. They have returned to Cairo and one of the American trio who had his eyes and tongue removed by the mummy, which is already pretty nasty, is sat in a room with a mysterious masked figure and Beni. Beni tells him that Prince Imhotep thanks him for his hospitality…and his eyes…and his tongue… It’s a deliciously macabre way of revealing to the poor man that the figure before him, who he cannot even see, is the same mummy who took his body parts from him…and now more is needed. It’s the scenes like this which remind you of the film’s horror roots.

I could really pick any of the moments that O’Connell and Beni (Yes I know I used a surname and a first name but that’s how they’re generally referred to) are on screen together. The one me and my friend Josh seem to quote occasionally is just after the boat they are all travelling on has sunk and they wade to opposite shores of the river. The two of them are in a race to reach Hamunaptra, the hidden city of the dead, first. Beni looks across at O’Connell and shouts “Hey O’Connell, it looks to me like I’ve got all the horses!” and O’Connell quips back, “Hey Beni, looks to me like you’re on the wrong side of the river!” hey it doesn’t sound like much but once you’ve experienced the relationship these two have this scene is absolute gold.

Time to put this review to rest.

23 – On The Menu (Troll 2)

The wolves are real, you turn and fling open the door behind you which presents you with a long and dimly lit corridor.

As you rush down it’s length you see a stairwell on your right, but the bandaged foot you see descending from the floor above eliminates that option and you sprint straight ahead. The corridor seems endless and the sound of the wolves is still there, the echoing making the distance impossible to judge, waiting any second for claws on your back or teeth at your ankles.

Another door! Hoping that it opens outward, heedless of what is on the other side…hoping that it isn’t locked…you push down on the handle as you slam against it.

It opens, you fly through and crash painfully into a metal railing, almost tumbling over it. Winded you manage to turn and slam the door closed, wolves can’t open doors right? Mummies can though…

Looking around you it seems this door has come out away from the town of Ubiquity, a path leads into some nearby woods, a sign reads ‘Llort – 2 Miles’.

You plunge onwards.

Another sequel! This time it’s probably one of the most famous sequels in horror, or is that infamous? This is one of those rare occasions where the second film is more well known than the first.

Wait…this isn’t a sequel, it’s an imposter, a film posing as the sequel to…a fairly average predecessor, what a strange decision, but it’s not the only thing that’s strange here.

You’ve all seen the clip.

Oh my Gooooooood! It’s Troll 2.

What’s with all these well known films, I definitely have more obscure stuff in the collection! OK so this is one of those films that comes up on lists of films that are so bad that they’re good, in fact it has a whole documentary about it called Best Worst Movie. Is it though? I really think that whole so bad it’s good only works in a couple of ways. Either, it’s not actually bad, it just designed to come across ridiculous but there’s actually a lot of interesting stuff happening, I point you to films like The Toxic Avenger or Hobo with a Shotgun, OR it is actually bad but you’re watching it with friends so you can laugh about it. I can tell you right now, that first part need not apply, there is no saving grace to this film, but it is…entertaining, just more so with friends.

Before I get to the plot the thing I’m not entirely sure about, and neither is the internet it seems, is how seriously it was being made. There’s a statement that it was “always intended to be a comic film” and I get that, it’s certainly a comedy at times, but for example was the acting intentionally bad? Or just bad? Either way I’m going to judge it on what I see, if you intentionally make a film bad, it still needs those special bits to make it work, Films like Naked Gun for example are funny because it’s ridiculous but well done.

Anyway, the plot follows the Waits family as they go on some strange holiday where they swap homes with another family, like an exchange program of sorts. Our main character of sorts is Joshua Waits who seems to be haunted by the ghost of his dead grandfather, though in a benevolent sort of way, well kind of, he’s pretty intense and creepy. They head to the town of Nilbog where everyone is acting very strangely and soon they’ll learn the townsfolk aren’t quite as they first seem and it’s up to Joshua to keep his family safe.

OK let’s get it out of the way, the acting is abysmal, especially the minor parts who sound like they’ve never spoken words before let alone acted. Honestly though, the grandfather is probably the best of the bunch, he actually seems like he might be hamming it up rather than just being bad. Intentional or not, the bad acting is amusing to watch but it takes away from any suspense or intrigue that the plot may be trying to convey.

My review watch of Troll 2 was the 2nd time I’ve seen it, and I watched it on my own. The first time I watched it was with a couple of friends and that’s definitely the way to go with a film like this. If you watch it on your own, you won’t be bored by it but you also won’t get to shout incredulities at other people about how terrible X is or what Y is doing. It really is missing something if you watch it alone…well it’s missing a lot of things, like a plot.

The plot. I’ve done my little plot synopsis above but honestly this plot goes all over the place. I probably made it sound almost intriguing above but that’s because I kept it vague, In both manages to telegraph things which might have been intriguing had they been better hidden and also throw in completely unexpected stuff which makes very little sense, like they were bolted on. Again, I know it’s not taking itself completely seriously, well hopefully anyway, but even comedies need something to follow. There are some truly bizarre scenes which I’ll definitely go into in the spoiler free section but here I’ll just say, plot is all over the place.

Surely it has some good effect right? Nope, but then this is a low budget film and honestly, it’s not terrible, well except for some of the costumes, but I guess that’s separate. The effects are just, there, they’re practical at least, it’s not low budget AND attempting to use CGI, that’s where things can really get bad.

Going back to the costumes, the regular people in the film, that’s all fine, but the antagonists, oh boy, we’re talking burlap sack onesies and Halloween masks, Troll this is not when it comes to creatures.

Is there anything redeeming about the film? Well, I hate to say it but the ‘So bad it’s good’ thing does have some merit, but I wouldn’t go that far, rather it’s ‘So bad it’s not dull’ there’s always something happening for you to find ridiculous and that really is it’s only saving grace. Being bad can only ever bring a film up from total mediocrity, it cannot make it good.

So…the score. You would think that with all the bad stuff I’ve been saying about the film that it would be my first to score a 1, but the thing is, it’s entertaining. It may be badly made, have a weak plot, and have terrible acting, but it isn’t boring. For a film to get the lowest possible score it needs to be a film I forget 5 minutes later, and this film isn’t that. It is still bad though, I’m giving Troll 2, 2 Corn on the Cobs out of 5. This isn’t a film that you should definitely watch, but if you do then my recommendation is to get a group of friends together, have a few drinks or whatever, and do a group watch.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

Ok what to talk about…there’s so much but I’ll keep it fairly brief.

Regarding what I said earlier about the plot being telegraphed. At the beginning of the film Joshua’s grandfather, in ghost form it turns out, is reading him a story about goblins. It’s fairly standard fairy-tale stuff but in it we learn that the goblins are vegetarian, can change their appearance and feed people a substance to turn them into plant matter they can digest. I mean sure, tease the goblins but don’t tell us everything about them. As soon as we get to Nilbog we’re sure that the townsfolk are just goblins in disguise, there’s no ambiguity about whether it’s all of them, or some of them. I guess we’re supposed to know but a bit of intrigue would have given this some much needed depth.

I think the part which I always remember the most is when Joshua decides the only way to stop his family from eating the food that will turn them into Goblins. He pisses over it. Honestly I didn’t see it coming and it had me laughing, then straight after this Joshua’s dad utters the great line “You can’t piss on hospitality, I won’t allow it!” See bits like this were great fun, there’s a few stand out scenes that are truly funny, but the way they’re acted and the mediocrity of the surrounding parts of the film, many of which are just bad, rather than amusing and bad stops scenes like this from lifting this any higher than the 2 it received.

The best character in the film is probably Creedence Leonore Gielgud, the Queen of the goblins who is outrageously over the top and throughout the course of the film, turns a boy into a tree, chops him up with a chainsaw, gets her hand chopped off with an axe and seduces another character with a corn on the cob. She’s absolutely ridiculous.

Talking about these specific scenes and characters I realise I’m making it sound fun, and it is, it is fun, its just also very bad.

Won rof eyb.

16 – Organ Failure (The Abominable Dr Phibes)

Stumbling about in the featureless mist you soon lose your sense of direction, even the ground seems to have become smooth, like marble, or glass.

Just then you think you can hear a faint sound in the distance, something vaudevillian, something from those old seaside towns in their heyday, is that an organ?

You must have turned north in the mist and reached the northern coastline of the island, perhaps there’s a resort town here. Not for the first time you wish you’d done some research before coming to this nightmare of an island.

Following the sound a pink glow soon appears in the distance and then you can make out the silhouette of a man, sat at a gaudy magenta pipe organ, the instrument giving off an ethereal glow.

You call out to the man but he doesn’t seem to hear you, the music is very loud now as you approach still calling out ineffectually over the tremendous volume. Reaching out you place a hand on the man’s shoulder. Cold, hard, like metal.

The music stops and the metal man’s head rotates towards you. His head is spherical, his features simplistic like a child’s drawing, something both infantile and terrifying at the same time.

The lifeless eyes stare at you, stare through you, and without turning back to the organ, he begins to play.

A pretty interesting film this time. Certainly not one I was aware of until fairly recently, but staring the legend that is Vincent Price and quite likely an influence on a certain James Wan and his Saw franchise.

Don’t expect extreme levels of violence or grit from this campy early 70s movie though, it’s ridiculous over the top madness all the way through.

Nine Killed You! Nine Shall Die! This time I’m reviewing 1971’s The Abominable Dr Phibes

I feel like this is going to be another one of those films where the spoiler section outweighs the initial review. There are so many parts to this film where I want to say “How crazy was it when…” or “What was (Insert strange event) all about?” but I’m going to have to hold off and give you something more general first.

The events of the film follow the Titular character Dr Anton Phibes who is plotting and performing elaborate revenge on the doctors who couldn’t save his wife. He himself was badly injured and presumed dead after a car crash which claimed his voice, leaving him to speak using some kind of phonograph attached to his neck by a cord. Yeah you kind of have to see it.

So basically, we watch on as Dr Phibes kills off his Wife’s Doctors in a series of ever more ridiculous events. It’s brilliant and I’ll certainly go through them in the spoilers section. He’s ably assisted by the beautiful, but mute Vulnavia and of course his mechanical band, oh did I not mention he’s a Dr of Music…and Theology…there’s a reason I medically had to watch this film once I saw the trailer.

Dr Phibes is played by horror legend Vincent Price in what must have been a pretty odd acting experience. It is technically a speaking part but Phibes speaks through the phonograph so doesn’t move his mouth at all while speaking and Price’s voice is dubbed over the top. This results in a wonderful example of physical acting as Price compensates by exaggerating the character’s gestures, it’s very effective.

This film is strange…very strange. There is a coherent storyline, the aforementioned revenge spree, but in between Dr Phibes is just doing bizarre stuff, mostly involving dancing, organ playing, and clockwork musicians. If I had to describe this film as being at all like any other film (Other than the sequel) I would have to say Barbarella, it’s certainly that level of camp.

The deaths in the film are all very varied, I won’t go into detail here, I certainly do that later, but masks, ice and a menagerie of creatures all play a role. There’s plenty of ingenuity on show and it leaves you clamouring for the next crazy contraption or scenario. I guess it’s slightly reminiscent of how I felt watching Seven only a lot less horrific.

This is not a scary film, its far more of a black comedy than anything else, with a few bits here and there which would be fairly nasty without the over the top silliness slathered on top of it all. This is the kind of horror film you can watch multiple times and still be happy to watch it again just to show other people how ridiculous it is. I doubt this film is going to have many hailing it as a masterpiece but there really is something to be said about a film that’s pure entertainment rather than hugely affecting like many horror films can be.

Scoring this one was particularly difficult. It was great fun, and Vincent Price is excellent as always, I don’t really have all that much bad to say about it, but I also can’t bring myself to put it up there with the likes of Alien or The Orphanage. That’s not to say that a campy film can’t be a 5, this just wasn’t quite there, for me it would have benefitted from a little more structure at times, yes its surreal nature is part of its charm but there’s definitely parts where it feels like a lot of scenes playing out in no particular order and we consequently don’t feel like we’re watching a coherent film. In that respect it has some similarity to The Wizard of Gore from a year earlier but it’s SO much more fun, so I’m giving The Abominable Dr Phibes 4 Locusts out of 5.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

A lot of very odd things happen in this film. Dr Phibes is using, roughly at least, the G’Tach, the 10 Plagues of Egypt as a basis for his revenge spree, I’m actually just going to go through them all rather than cherry picking. The order is different to the Biblical account.

The first plague, Boils, occurs offscreen and is only mentioned by a detective. The victim was stung to death by bees and he comments that they looked like boils.

The second is Bats where the Doctor is mauled to death by some very cute looking bats.

The third, and probably my favourite, is frogs. This one seems to provide a clear influence to the Saw films and is one of the stranger but actually quite nasty deaths. The victim is at a masked ball and is given a metal Frog mask. Phibes helps him to fasten it at the back and a ratcheting system slowly tightens the mask until presumably the man’s head is crushed. It’s all fairly silly until he starts screaming and blood squirts from the frog’s mouth.

Fourth is Blood. After a hilarious scene where our horny doctor is furiously cranking a projector to watch 1920’s porn, Phibes and Vulnavia tie him down and draw out all of his blood whilst for whatever reason he never cries out or puts up much of a struggle, he’s been drinking fairly heavily beforehand but he looks fairly aware of what’s happening and certainly doesn’t seem to be into it.

Fifth is Hail. After knocking out the victim’s driver a fairly preposterous machine is used to lower the temperature in the Doctor’s car to 100 degrees below zero. Freezing him to death.

Sixth is Rats. Our man is having a jolly good time flying his plane, dressed like Biggles when suddenly his plane is full of rats which attack him and cause him to crash. Meanwhile Phibes is watching through a telescope whilst Vulnavia plays the violin, standard.

Seventh is Beasts. A short one this and pretty normal really. A brass Unicorn is launched from a catapult and impales the victim…

Eighth is Locusts and is ridiculous. Dr Phibes cooks up a batch of green goo, which seems to be made of Brussel sprouts. He then sneaks into the hospital where victim number 7 is under police guard, but obviously completely alone in a room where they can’t see her. Using an oddly detailed outline of a woman’s body to work out where her head is in the room below, he then then pours the Sprout goo all over her head through a hole he cuts in the ceiling. Oh yes I forgot, she’s taken sleeping pills so she doesn’t wake up when the goo goes on her face…and then the locusts Phibes release eat her entire head down to the bone! Seems plausible…

OK, here we go, number nine. If you felt the frog mask was too tenuous a link to Saw then how’s this. Number 9 is ‘Death of the Firstborn’ so the victim is actually the head surgeon’s son. Phibes kidnaps him and tells the father to come to his home where he has the boy. By the way, bit of a side note but the boy comes across as far older than he’s supposed to be. Either he is, or they dubbed his voice or something, either way he just seems a bit odd. So anyway, the Father arrives at Phibes’ home and discovers that his son has been locked onto a table under a shower head contraption that will cover him in acid if the Father doesn’t get the key in time. A key which has been surgically implanted next to the Boy’s heart. That’s Saw as fuck! Or really, Saw is Dr Phibes as fuck!

Oh yes, there’s ten plagues. Number ten is Darkness and the victim is Phibes himself. Having completed his task (Well the boy survived but Phibes has already left by this point) he lays down next to his dead wife in a secret chamber, swaps his blood for embalming fluid and seals them in.

I think covering the plagues will about do for the spoilers, it really is a film where mere descriptions of the weirdness will not do it justice.

Is that furious cranking I hear? Time for another film…

14 – Fairy Story (Troll)

Once Upon a Time there was a little Girl. One day she was playing in the woods out the back of the family home, playing all alone. What fun she was having, she didn’t need friends, just the wind through the trees, the light flickering through the branches above, and a voice calling to her…a voice? But who could be out here? Nobody came here but her.

Curious, she followed the sound until she came to a rotten, hollow, old tree. The voice came from inside. Come closer it said, look inside my tree it said. So she did, she peaked inside, the voice sounded friendly after all, and it knew her name, Wendy, maybe she did want a friend, but then, she was dead.

What a silly little girl, wandering off all on her own, following strange voices in the woods. Her poor parents will be devastated, oh deary me, whatever can be done?

I know! I look like her now, I have all of her traits all of her memories. I can take her place, just as I took her life.

So off I went, laughing and skipping through the trees, for that’s what little girls do, and soon I was splashing my way through the swampy ground around the big white house with the shutters and there were my Mother and Father smiling and waving at me from the back porch.

They’re not waving anymore. They’re laying very still on the floor. That’s going to have to be it for my tale I’m afraid. I’m running out of tape…

The film this time is somewhat overshadowed by its infamous…sequel? If it can be called that. Well no it can’t, that film was supposed to be called ‘Goblins’ but we’ll forever know it as Troll 2. Most people are aware that Troll 2 is bad, but entertaining, but we’re not here to talk about that film, not yet at least. We’re talking about Troll, the 1986 Fantasy/Horror that proved successful enough to have an unrelated film marketed as it’s sequel. But is it any good?

From the opening scenes Troll put me in mind of other Fantasy/Science Fiction films of the period, such as The NeverEnding Story, or Batteries Not Included, at least in terms of their present day, normal life setting mixed with fantastical goings on. We meet our main characters, Harry Potter (Yes really), Anne Potter, his wife, and their two children Harry Jr. and Wendy. They are moving into a new apartment and Wendy, the youngest member of the family, encounters the titular Troll, named Torok, in the building’s basement who captures her and takes on her appearance. He then begins to take over the building and its residents all whilst disguised as an innocent young girl.

Let’s start with something positive. The fantasy sets, the creatures and the practical effects are a welcome sight. This is still in the era where model work and puppetry is used instead of CGI. Though not on the level of something like Gremlins or Labyrinth there’s clearly a lot of love and care gone into the fantasy world and the creatures within it, a big bonus in my book.

So, is there anything else good? Honestly, it’s very entertaining, this is a film to watch with a few friends as you move from one bizarre character or situation to the next, that’s how I watched it. I’m not sure how it would hold up in that regard if watched alone. It certainly isn’t scary, but I would say it’s disgusting at times, mostly the look of some of the creatures, they often look very…damp.

The human characters are all just that, characters, everybody is so over the top, from the sex hound to the ex-marine, who’s room looks like a set from Jumanji, to probably the best character Eunice St. Clair played by the wonderful June Lockhart. Best known for her roles in the classic TV Series Lassie and Lost in Space, this veteran Actor feels a little out of place in a film like this but honestly she’s very welcome and adds a little gravitas when she’s on screen.

I’m not sure that this film knew what it wanted to be. The general feel of the film is akin to the previously mentioned Labyrinth or The NeverEnding Story. It comes across as a Children’s film in a lot of ways, but it earned a 15 rating on release and was only ‘downgraded’ to a 12 in the early 2000s. I’m not entirely sure it deserved the 15, it’s not particularly violent, or lewd, but it would likely be scary for younger children, but then so would Labyrinth to be honest and that received a ‘U’ rating. Let’s not get started on ratings and their inconsistencies, let’s just say this film seems to sit between a Children’s film and a full Horror without really being either.

This non-spoiler part of the review is relatively short this time, because honestly there’s not a huge amount I can talk about without going into more detail than I’d like to. Maybe a lot of people wouldn’t consider some of the parts below spoilers but I’d rather err on the side of caution.

I was torn between 2 different scores here, but ultimately decided on 3 Pod People out of 5. It’s ridiculous, the acting is a very mixed bag and the story feels a bit nonsensical, but ultimately it’s fun to watch, I enjoyed it, and in the end that’s what you want from a film. It’s no masterpiece, and even a 4 is out of the question but it’s not a 2 either, a 2 or less needs to lose my interest, and this didn’t.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

So! Specifics! This film has some very odd scenes.

Firstly the part where the menagerie of forest creatures start to perform a song together, whilst another character, Malcom, recites an old story for the Potters in another room, a weird penis/mushroom sings an aria of sorts and finally Eunice St. Clair blows an old hunting horn to silence everyone. It’s quite something.

Going back to Malcom. I did him a bit of a disservice earlier saying that Eunice was probably the best character. She’s fun yes, but it’s Malcom, played by Phil Fondacaro an actor who’s appeared in several films including as an Ewok in Return of the Jedi and alongside Warwick Davis again in Willow, it’s Malcom who brings a more serious side to the film. Most of the time everything is pretty silly but then he revels to Wendy/Torok that he’s dying, referring to recessive genes and it’s actually a very sad scene. Torok the Troll, incidentally, is also played by Phil Fondacaro.

Going into detail more and re-watching a few parts I realise there are actually a few decent bits of acting in the film. Jenny Beck, who plays Wendy, is great in her dual role of normal little girl and Troll in disguise, in fact she was nominated by the Youth in Film Association, for ‘Exceptional Performance by a Young Actress’.

Some of the other acting in the film is not quite so good. Now this isn’t always the fault of the actors, though sometimes it is, but for example there’s a scene where Harry Potter senior puts on some music and starts to dance to it. Now it’s hard to describe exactly but he starts strutting around the lounge, getting really really into it, I guess how you and I might if we found ourselves dancing alone, but it’s honestly so over the top, he’s flailing around, rolling his eyes, and the music is so loud it’s making the dishes fall over in the next room. The Potters would be awful neighbours. I’m going to assume that Michael Moriarty, Emmy, Golden Globe and Tony winning actor might I add, who plays Harry Potter senior was directed to act this way, because as those accolades show, it’s not due to a lack of talent.

I mentioned the creature work in the film earlier, essentially Torok is going around converting the building into a fairy forest full of fairy folk, but these aren’t the pretty fairies you’re probably thinking of, they’re closer to what you might call goblins. Personally I love how they look, they’re varied and as I said clearly somebody put some love into them. It kind of makes me want to visit this forest realm, but then, I’m weird. Torok turns Malcom into one of these creatures, though he refers to him as an ‘elf’, I would think a better description would be ‘Wet moustachioed baby’ which looks very odd. Probably the weirdest creature of them all is the aforementioned penis mushroom called Galwyn, who used to be a man, and Eunice’s teacher, before his current fungal form. But either way, he’s a wet meaty looking mushroom.

The ending of the film is actually a bit of a surprise, and not as generic as you might expect. Harry Jr. finds the real Wendy but when trying to escape Torok’s realm they are attacked by a huge bat winged monster, which honestly I thought looked great, a genuine threat. Torok though decides to save them because he doesn’t want Wendy to be killed and so he destroys his own world, returning ever…oh only returning Eunice to herself. Wait…what happened to all those people who got turned into plants or fairy creatures, or whatever actually happened to them? Are they dead? Is Malcom dead? I often talk about how I find myself not caring about characters in these films, but I care about Malcom! That sucks, at least acknowledge it rather than have Eunice tell Harry Jr. that he did a good job. Oh of course Torok is ok as well, so wait, it didn’t destroy his world, oh I don’t know, the ending is a bit odd as all of the fairy creatures seem to have gone but Torok is able to just start over…

…damn I miss Malcom.

12 – Creature Feature (Gremlins)

You reach the point where the grassy slope meets the edge of the road. The trail you were following ends, whatever had caused the grass to wilt and die had no effect on the unyielding tarmac it seems. Checking both ways for vehicles, which side of the road do they drive on here anyway, you make your way across and see another strip of deceased foliage plunging down towards the edge of the gorge itself. Cautiously you make your way to the edge.

Peering over into the shadow strewn depths you see the rushing torrent below, imperceptivity carving its way down through the rock. The water seems to be pooling up slightly against some trapped debris, or a dam perhaps. No…not a dam. Dams don’t move like that. Dams don’t pulsate, and dams certainly don’t eject rough, scaly looking objects like fossilised popcorn from a pan. Popcorn with arms and legs…hands…eyes…

Panting, you step back from the edge. Did it see you? What was that thing? Something from the sphere? Deciding that you don’t really want to know you turn around and look down the road, first left, then right, but which way? Left looks as though it could head back towards town, but it might pass through Tavernmaw and after the experience by the church you’re not sure you trust the place.

Turning right and keeping as far from the gorge as possible you make your way along the side of the road as it winds its way up the edge of the valley. Looking back you think you see movement in the shadows of the trees below, small shapes flickering in the dark areas, never emerging into the light.

Turning away again you double your pace. Who knows, on this island, it could be night soon…

Another big one this time, and perhaps slightly controversial. I’m sure lots of people wouldn’t include this in the horror genre but I certainly would, and it’s far from being the most debatable film in my collection. They’re cute, but don’t feed them after midnight. Joe Dante’s ‘Gremlins’, from 1984.

In case you’re unfamiliar, ‘Gremlins’ follows our teenage (I think, it’s never quite clear hold old he is) protagonist Billy Peltzer, played by Zach Galligan, as he struggles to look after a mysterious pet called a Mogwai, named Gizmo, which his father obtained for him in Chinatown. There are three rules. Don’t expose the Mogwai to sunlight, don’t get him wet, and never feed him after midnight. What could go wrong? Of course, a lot does go wrong and the little town of Kingston Falls soon finds itself overrun with monsters.

‘Gremlins’ was a very successful film, coming 4th at the Box office for 1984, a year which pitted it against heavy hitters ‘Beverly Hills Cop’, ‘Ghostbusters’, and ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom’. As far as horror films go it was number 1.

The creature effects are excellent and were designed by Chris Walas who created the makeup for David Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly‘ and also had a hand in the melting faces in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’. Gizmo is incredibly cute and the Gremlins suitably evil looking, though not too scary, this is a family film after…well, is it? ‘Gremlins’ sits in an odd place. 90% of the time it’s wacky, or heart warming, or funny, but then it hits you with a level of violence you’re not expecting from something that has the feel of a festive family film.

One of its claims to fame was, along with the aforementioned ‘Temple of Doom’, it prompted Stephen Spielberg, executive producer of one and director of the other, to suggest the US rating system introduce a new rating between PG and R due to the complaints that the 2 films were too frightening and violent for young children. And so PG-13 was born. Here in the UK the film was classified 15, though I’m sure I remember seeing it as a child with my parents.  There’s fear, destruction, all manner of creature deaths and some human ones too, and one disturbing scene which will always stick in my memory and not because of anything visual. More on that later.

Jerry Goldsmith’s musical score is iconic. Almost everybody of a certain generation would recognise the main theme, I’ve even included it on this year’s Halloween party playlist. The rest of the music is just as good, from the beautiful ‘First Aid’ to the haunting whale song of ‘The Pool’. So good in fact that Jerry Goldsmith won a Saturn Award for best music.

I haven’t mentioned it yet but ‘Gremlins’ is a Christmas film, and not just a film that happens to take place at Christmas, a la ‘Die Hard’, but one where it’s front and centre, there’s plenty of festive carnage, gremlins posing as carollers and a young Corey Feldman dressed as a Christmas tree, it’s on the same level as something like ‘Home Alone’.

Speaking of Corey Feldman this was the same year he starred in ‘Friday the 13th Part 4′ and a few years before ‘Lost Boys’, so I doubt this is the last time we’ll be seeing him. He’s great in this film and it’s a strong performance all round really from the whole cast. If I had to criticise something it would be the stereotypical nature of the old Chinese man and his shop but it’s very of it’s time and ultimately it’s American consumerism which is taught a lesson by that same man, not as a punishment but due to its own hubris.

Score time. ‘Gremlins’ is one of my all time favourite films. It fantastically balances humour and horror, managing to be not too silly, not too scary but sit somewhere in the middle, somewhere just right. 5 Stair Lifts out of 5. Maybe it’s rose tinted glasses viewing a classic film from my childhood, but no, I think it’s just a great film. It’s almost a shame it’s as scary and violent in places as it is because honestly, most kids would love it, I certainly did.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

So the first specific part of the film I want to bring up is the disturbing scene I alluded to earlier. This isn’t gory, or violent or anything like that, it’s psychological. Mostly the film is fairly light hearted, but suddenly we’re hit with Kate’s story about how her father went missing one Christmas and after several days, on a particularly cold night she goes to light the fire and notices a smell. The fire brigade come to find what’s inside the chimney, and it turns out to be her dead father who’d tried to surprise them by climbing down the chimney, fallen and broken his neck. This whole scene feels so out of place injecting some true horror into the film, I like the scene but still, what a change of pace.

Another example of something that pushes this film into non kid friendly territory, but in a much more amusing way, is the fate of Mrs Deagle. Now we’ve already established by this point of the film that she’s a bit of a bitch and it’s hilarious and satisfying to see the Gremlins sabotage her Stair Lift so that she shoots up her (Impossibly long by the way) staircase and smashes through an upstairs window into the snow. Now this is the point where a family film has her looking all woozy or screaming her head off, but no Mrs Deagle is straight up dead, these Gremlins aren’t messing around.

We mentioned the special effects earlier but one scene in particular is a fantastic example of practical effects. At the end of the film when Spike is at the fountain and gets hit by the ray of sunlight his body starts to melt, the skin bubbling and dripping off his body, it’s gruesome stuff and it’s not over yet, after his body falls into the water and we think he’s finished his skeleton leaps out onto the floor and begins to dissolve whilst still apparently trying to breathe. The whole sequence looks amazing and is something that CGI has sadly, and generally for the worst, almost eliminated from modern films.

One more scene I’d like to mention is the swimming pool. Billy has tracked Spike to the local YMCA but before Billy can stop him he jumps into the pool. As Spike sinks into the water the pool begins to smoke, and bubble like the water is boiling, and eerie green light glowing from inside and all the while the music swells with whale song which Gerry Goldsmith masterfully turns into something sinister and foreboding. This is probably the scene I think of first when I think of Gremlins and every re-watch reminds me why.

That’s it from me. Time for a midnight snack…

6 – Tasty Treats (Shaun of the Dead)

With Albert’s ominous warning still fresh in your mind you make your way north through the town, looking to escape the strangely deserted streets flanked by crooked buildings, the occasional twitch of a curtain catching your eye where the windows aren’t covered by shutters.

Did somebody move across the end of that alley?

Was that the sound of shuffling feet?

ICE CREAM!

The voice seems to come from directly behind you. Crying out you spin about and see a thin man with a gaunt face wearing white overalls and what appears to be a sailor hat.

Surrounding him is a gaggle of children, but surely you would have heard them, children are usually so…silent, these children are silent. They fidget and jostle one another reaching for the Ice Cream cones the man is handing them, but they don’t say a word.

One by one the children claim their treats and patter off down side streets and into doorways, soon it’s just you and the Ice Cream vendor.

Little rascals, I’ll lose a hand one of these days.

With that he turns his cart around and shuffles off. The streets are empty again.

It’s been a long time coming this review. For whatever reason I found myself procrastinating and kicking the can down the zombie infested road. I had a similar issue with Alien, I think there’s more pressure when it comes to reviewing such a well known and well regarded film.

Edgar Wright’s Shaun of the Dead sits astride the Horror and Comedy genres and manages to be an excellent example of both. Ask anybody who watches a lot of horror to name their top 10 zombie films and Shaun of The Dead will most likely make an appearance, often near the top.

The film follows the titular Shaun as he navigates through his mundane run of the mill life, dealing with housemates, family, his love life…and zombies.

The pacing of the film, and in particular the introduction of the zombies, is brilliant. It’s gradual and subtle at first. We’ve already been shown how zombie like the human characters can be, that Shaun…well, no spoilers. If you haven’t seen this film already then you should go watch it right now. Still here? Fed up of this cliché review trope? OK, let’s continue.

The introduction of the zombies is slick, which is one of the best ways to describe Shaun of the Dead. Whether it’s the rapid cuts to staccato sound effects, or the excellent use of music, it’s lovingly crafted and really stands out in a saturated genre, be that horror or comedy, take your pick.

So it’s been established that Shaun of The Dead is a slick horror comedy, but is it scary, is it funny? I wouldn’t say it’s a scary film, but it has its moments, the threat is real, and the gore is wonderfully done, there’s a scene where a character is pulled through the window which has echoes of a similar scene in George A Romero’s Day of the Dead. The zombies look great, they’re not as grim and relentless feeling as the ones from Lucio Fulci ‘s Zombi 2 for example but they look believable, especially as newly created undead with their skin and clothes mostly intact, these are your neighbours, the people from down the road.

Another thing this film has is real emotion. Be prepared to cry in this film, it’s not all gory set pieces and comedy, it has some truly moving and upsetting scenes. This is the beauty of Shaun of The Dead, it’s just as good at making you cry as it is at making you laugh, and it’s oh so good at making you laugh!

Shaun and his interactions with his best friend Ed, more on him later, provide the bulk of the laughs but honestly the whole cast are hilarious, each in their own way. Fans of Edgar Wright’s series Spaced will feel right at home as the crude fart jokes evolve into ridiculous set pieces, though what I will say is it’s very British. I mean, I am British, so that’s fine for me but I’d be interested to know how the humour translates to non British audiences.

Ed. If I have one issue with this film, it’s that I found Ed entirely unlikable. He has his funny moments, indeed as I said it’s him and Shaun’s banter which provides the meat of the humour, but I find myself adverse to him on every watch through. So there we go, something negative, but it’s more of a personal feeling rather than an issue with the performance, in fact Nick Frost is excellent in the role. Speaking of performances Simon Pegg is at his very best in this film, the range of emotions he goes through and the seeming ease at which he portrays Shaun has you fully engaged with him throughout, you feel what he feels, good, bad and ugly.

Was there ever any doubt, not only of the rating system but of the final score, I’m going to give Shaun of The Dead 5 Cornettos out of 5. An incredible film which is a real contender for best comedy horror ever made.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

Let’s talk about the introduction of the zombies. I mentioned this in the spoiler free section but couldn’t go into any detail. It’s so well done. We see signs of what’s to come, a woman collapsing, a man in the park who looks like he’s about to bite into a pigeon, then as we go on, we the audience see more obvious signs whilst Shaun and Ed, drunk at this point, are oblivious to the true nature of a couple of zombies they encounter on their way home from the pub. The culmination of this is when Shaun manages to walk through mostly deserted, except for the occasional zombie, streets, buy something from the shop, leaving money for the absent owner, and walk back home without noticing the zombie apocalypse has even begun!

I mentioned moving and upsetting scenes, there are several, not many of our core group make it through the film, but the scene that hits the hardest is the death of Shaun’s mum. As a viewer we notice something isn’t quite right after her earlier off screen encounter with a zombie, she keeps holding her arm, she’s been bitten. After a tearful reveal in the Winchester, Shaun’s mum dies in his arms, and then to make things worse he has to shoot her when she rises as a Zombie. It’s devastating, and to think 5 minutes ago we were laughing as the gang fought off zombies to the sound of the jukebox blaring Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now, this film has a huge range.

There’s a moment early on in the film which I feel has affected my own life. Now bear with me. In my garden I have a rotating washing line. The central pole of this washing line slots into another pole which is cemented into the ground. I’d quite like to be able to remove the washing line from the base pole so I have a better view of the garden, but I can’t. Not because it doesn’t come out, it does, but because I know that if I do, that exposed pole is 100% going right through somebody! I’ve always found mundane deaths or injuries the worst in films, because I can see them happening! Ugh! No! It makes me cringe.

The end of the film is a nice touch. We get a happy ending…ish…maybe? I mean, it’s about as happy as it could be with the dead people and all. The zombie plague is over, Shaun and Liz are together, and Shaun still has his best friend Ed, in zombie form, chained in the shed…ok so it’s not THAT much of a happy ending.

Sorry.

No no, I’m sorry.