30 – Fetch! (Dog Soldiers)

“We’re going after the bastard, are you with us?”

Roland, leader of the local militia and your saviour that day in the clearing, before the festival, before the explosion.

How could you refuse this man. You nod your assent, and in response you get a grim smile and rifle.

It’s a rag tag group of men and women who file out of Carpenter’s Meadow that morning. Some are experienced men like Roland, others are new recruits to take the place of those too injured…or worse.

“He’s got a good few hours on us, and one man is hard to find, if this is a bloody man, but there’s more of us and we’ve got revenge in our hearts. Let’s move!

The day had been a seemingly endless slog through the wilderness, a day which ended, as they all do, with the setting of the sun and the encroaching of the darkness. Looking around you it’s endless black, with the vertical lines of the trees somehow darker still.

But no…not all black, in the distance, faint, a blue glow, coming from the windows of an old house. Roland swears it’s abandoned…but that glow…

Prey.

Wow, OK so I apologise for the big wait this time, I’ve really been slowing down with these reviews as of late, 4 reviews in the whole of last year, bad form, totally bone.

Oh yes, so that brings me to today’s review, a film which I have a fair bit of nostalgia for, having watched it at the cinema with a group of ‘friends’ way back when it came out. It feels strange to refer to the early 2000’s as ‘way back’ but hey it is, that’s life. Well my ‘friends’ and I had a particular interest in this film, we were British, we liked horror, we…

OK we were fucking furries. It’s 2002’s Dog Soldiers!

So what’s it about?

Dog Soldiers is a British Werewolf film which follows a group of Soldiers out on a training exercise in a remote area of Scotland. They’re supposed to be facing a group of special forces, the SAS, which you may or may not have heard of, I believe the US equivalent is Delta Force if that helps. So anyway it turns out they’re actually going to have to deal with a pack of werewolves and as a spoiler free synopses that’s about what you get.

In my experience, werewolf films, especially good werewolf films seem to be a little thin on the ground. There are of course some excellent ones out there, An American Werewolf in London particularly stands out as an excellent film (Spoilers for if that ever comes up for review). Lots of people ride hard for Universal’s classic The Wolfman, and Ginger Snaps is also fun. I believe The Howling is well regarded but I’ve yet to see it. I may of course just be ignorant of a ton of excellent ones but I would hazard a guess that were you to ask people to name their 5 favourite werewolf films, the ones I’ve just mentioned would show up a lot more than any others…except for this one. Perhaps I’m viewing it through a British lens but if we’re talking top 5 I feel this is in there.

I feel it’s somewhat of a ‘Cult’ film. It’s one of those, if you’ve seen it you champion it kinda films. So maybe my statement above doesn’t hold if we’re talking the average person on the street. You can probably take Ginger Snaps out at that point as well. Anyway I’m getting a bit bogged down in this and front loading my feelings so let’s talk some specifics.

I love practical effects. CGI has been the bane of many a film, particularly in its early days when everyone thought it could replace everything and it tended to look extremely out of place. That’s not to say it can never work but if it can be done practically it will almost always look better. The werewolves in this film are practical and fairly unique looking. Other than their head and paws they are extremely humanoid, tall and relatively lithe giving them more of an uncanny valley type feel than some of the more traditional bulky style (The werewolf in Universal’s The Wolfman is extremely human looking but so far towards human that it doesn’t have the same ‘creep’ factor that these do.) Actually speaking of creep factor, Peach Fuzz in the film Creep gave me massive Dog Soldiers werewolf vibes.

The gore levels are fairly high, as you would hope from a film where people are being attacked by werewolves, and the realism is there as well. The film has a 15 rating here, because, err, I guess werewolves aren’t real so therefore the blood and guts is fine? Put this amount of gore in a gangster film and it would certainly get an 18. But hey, I’m not the BBFC, what do I know.

The characters in the film are very fun. We get that over the top ‘Squadie’ banter between them. I’m not sure how well that translates outside of a British audience but the sarcasm is all over this script and the fatherly feeling of the sergeant to his men makes him particularly endearing, even if he does have a mouth like a sewer. Sergeant Wells is played by Sean Pertwee, a man who I love in any film I’ve seen him in. If you need someone to play a potty mouth military or military adjacent character then Mr Pertwee is your man. Liam Cunningham is always excellent as well. In fact the whole cast does a great job of portraying their respective characters.

Speaking of the script, this film is pretty funny at times, at least in a dark humour way, whether it’s a character seeing their intestines hanging out and saying “Sausages” or a character about to die saying “I hope I give you the shits, you fucking wimp.” It certainly has its serious moments but as mentioned before the banter is strong here and had it taken itself more seriously overall it would have made for a weaker film.

Despite the humor it manages to have some more poignant moments which I go into more in the spoilers and there is a real sense of danger to the film. These aren’t a group of invincible action stars, yes they’re soldiers, but they’re vulnerable, human. Something their enemies are not. I wouldn’t say it’s a ‘scary’ movie, think something like Aliens, it’s a battle for survival with a fair amount of firepower. I’m not sure why but even when fairly ineffective or even useless, the presence of guns in the hands of the ‘good guys’ tends to reduce the fear factor.

Yet another film where I find myself drawn between a couple of scores. As with Hellraiser, I have some similar feelings whereby my own love for the film is somewhat over the film’s true merits. In this case I feel it’s not quite got the same draw to me as that other film, here I feel that this is a fun romp, but no true masterpiece, it’s certainly above average though, so I’m giving Dog Soldiers 4 cows out of 5. It’s not my favourite film, not even my favourite werewolf film, but I still love it.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

Earlier I mentioned the use of practical effects, there’s a fantastic scene right near the end of the film where the house they’re hiding out in is blown to pieces in a huge gas explosion. We see this in great detail as they built a scale model of the house and blew it up for real. The scene looks amazing, the roof blowing off before the walls explode into pieces. It’s not one of those scenes where the fact it’s a model is really obvious, the lighting and the attention to detail makes this pretty seamless.

One of my favourite scenes doesn’t involve any werewolves at all. Fairly early in the film the group of soldiers we’re following settles down for their first night. They all start talking about what scares them the most, and it’s silly things like spiders, women, spider-women, penalty shootouts etc… and then Sergeant Wells starts telling a story about him and his friend and fellow soldier getting tattoos during the Gulf War. His tale ends with his friend’s death after stepping on a landmine. It completely changes the mood, it’s a real ‘Gremlins Santa Story’ sequence, and it’s moments like that which raise this up from being an average film.

We do get a fun twist in the film in a scene which I have some mixed feelings about. After being told by Megan, the sole female major character in the film, that she lives nearby the farmhouse they’re trapped in, it’s revealed that she’s actually part of the werewolf family. It’s a nice twist and one which isn’t overly telegraphed or on the other hand impossible to guess. It is however a fairly misogynistic scene, with Cooper claiming that women are always the same and then Megan making a joke about it being that time of the month. I mean maybe it fits in with the blokes blokes blokes general theme of the film, and to be honest considering the director, Neil Marshall, made The Descent not too long after this I’ll give him a bit of the benefit of the doubt, but still it was a little jarring.

Also, fuck Captain Ryan! I’ve seen this film many times and I always forget he shoots the dog dead in a scene arly on in the film. Every time my brain tells me it’s a test and there’s blanks or no bullets in the gun, but no, he fucking kills the dog, fuck you Captain Ryan!

Oh honourable mention to a sword point grinding against Cooper’s teeth, that made me cringe, nice work!

Right I’ve rambled on long enough I think, it’s dinner time.

29 – A Puzzling Development (Hellraiser)

The man stares at you for a long time, his eyes piercing in their intensity. Then, turning his attention once more to the prone figure before him he lowers his head. A loud, sucking, squelching noise fills your ears and you see rivulets of gore flowing up and onto the man’s body, reforming sinew and tendon, muscle and fat.

The sight is appalling, a hideous un-melting of a human body but you cannot look away, transfixed like the deer in the headlights.

A bell tolls. The reforming man looks up. An eerie blue light flickers through the trees.

No! Not yet, I cannot go back. His rasping voice cries through his still lipless mouth.

Staggering to his feet the cadaver of a man looks once more in your direction before loping off into the trees away from the pulsing blue light. The bell tolls again, this time in the direction the man left, the light too shifts in pursuit.

You don’t know how much time has passed but eventually you can no longer hear the bell, or see the light. All about you those who can are standing, helping those who cannot and weeping over those who never will. You turn to Donald and find him flat on his back, eyes closed. Fearing the worst you grasp him by the shoulder and shake him. A rattling cough emerges from his dust caked mouth and rubbing his eyes he looks up at you.

What happened?

You describe to him what you saw, the explosion, the reformed man, the blue light, none of it draws any flicker of recognition from the physician.

A puzzle indeed…

Looks like I get to review another of my all time favourites, spoiler alert. A film from acclaimed British Author and Director Clive Barker, the man whom Stephen King called the future of horror. If you are aware of Barker’s work it tends to be strong on the body horror with a generous amount of perversion. His Books of Blood series of short stories are a favourite of mine, today’s film being based on one of Barker’s slightly longer tales, the novella The Hellbound Heart.

Jesus wept. It’s Clive Barker’s 1987 directorial debut, Hellraiser.

This is one of those films that’s mentioned in the same breath as…well ok maybe a couple of breaths after…the likes of Halloween, Friday the 13^th and A Nightmare on Elm Street. It’s a household name, though probably more so if we return to the 80s and 90s, and certainly here in Britain.

The plot of Hellraiser is fairly unique. A man, Frank, acquires a mysterious puzzle box. An ornately patterned cube which gives access to a hellish realm of pleasure and pain. Sometime later Frank’s brother and his family move into Frank’s now deserted house, only it isn’t really deserted and soon Frank is vying to return from his torment at the hands of those unleashed by the box, by any means necessary.

The late 80’s was a time when many of the big horror franchises were becoming a little tired or at the very least had reached their peak. A Nightmare on Elm Street had just had it’s 3^rd entry and arguably it’s last great one, the entries would become sillier and sillier from here, at least until Mr Craven re-took the helm with The New Nightmare. Friday the 13^th had pumped out 6 films. Halloween had taken a hiatus but was about to embark on the, unofficially named, ‘Thorn’ trilogy and it would be tough to call any of those classics, well ok, 4 maybe…maybe.

Another trend at this point was for horror films to lose a bit of that grit that we saw in the late 70s to mid 80s. Studios were trying to appeal to the widest audience possible and we had to look to new projects rather than sequels to find films which put the horror back. Hellraiser is one such film.

In a world of wisecracks and one liners Hellraiser wasn’t afraid to tear our souls apart…ok fine so that IS a one liner, but it’s badass ok!

The violence and gore, though pretty over the top at times, also feels visceral and mean. Whether it’s Rats nailed to a wall, a beating with a hammer or hooks tearing into flesh. Hellraiser does not pull any punches in this regard.

On a sidenote, I do tend to feel that British horror in general tends towards a darker, grittier tone, even when it’s being a bit sillier, it always has an edge to it. I wonder though if this is just, being British myself, that I can relate more, especially when the settings and characters are also British. Anyway I’ve typed the word British too many times now and it feels like I’m going to accidentally summon Winston Churchill or something. Back to Hellraiser.

Is Hellraiser a scary film? Disturbing, grotesque, ominous, gritty but probably not scary. The circumstances behind the situation are too specific for you to feel you’d ever be in the same boat, though to be fair that’s the case in a lot of horror films. I don’t personally find that I have any issue watching this alone at night, perhaps I’m desensitised but there’s certainly films out there that do scare me, though this isn’t one of them. You may feel differently.

The real standouts in this film for me are the creature designs. The Cenobites, the aforementioned beings unleashed by the box, are iconic. Show anybody a picture of the unofficially named ‘Pinhead’ and they will likely recognise him, but his cohorts are equally fascinating and repulsive to look at. Each is unique and each is terrifying in their own way. Unsettling is the word, much of what we see in this film is unsettling. A sticky gloss of perversion coats everything we see from this other realm and seeps onto everything it touches.

The box itself, the Lament Configuration is a masterpiece of design. The intricately embellished cube moves and reconfigures itself at the user’s touch, forming itself into different shapes in a beautifully mechanical, practical way. I even have a replica proudly displayed in my living room. It’s a beautiful piece, elegant and subtle…and hopefully inert.

The only ‘pure’ aspect of this film is Frank’s niece Kirsty, the heroine of the movie who fights against both Frank and the Cenobites. Played by Ashley Laurence she does a fine job but doesn’t stand out as overall the acting in the film is…believable I would say. If anybody is going above and beyond it’s Clare Higgins as Julia, Frank’s Sister-in-Law, one time lover and now accomplice. She switches between cold and detached to passionate yet terrified, she always seems to have an undercurrent of fear about her which puts you on edge whenever she is on screen.

Also shout out to Doug Bradley as the Lead Cenobite or Pinhead as he’s often known. A true icon of the horror scene. He doesn’t really have a lot to do in this film but what he does do is delivered with gravitas. It would have been easy for the Cenobites to come across as cheesy villains but the calm, ominous tones employed imbue them with a cold intelligence which makes them truly threatening.

If I do have anything bad to say about the film it’s probably that it all gets a but rushed and weird at the very end. A lot happens and I feel that a simpler ending, specifically cutting out the very end scene, though cool, would have suited the film better. It’s only a minor gripe though.

So as usual I’ve found myself furiously debating between 2 scores. Is it a perfect film? Well no, not perfect, but there are very few films I would describe as that. A 5 for me doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to stand out, to be that film which I point to and say “Love that film!” so with that in mind I’m giving Hellraiser 5 exposed nails out of 5. Maybe ask me on a different day and I’d give it a 4…maybe. This film was a breath of fresh yet perverse air to a genre well on it’s way to a period of toned down mass produced horror fare.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

I have to mention, and this is often the case for me, a part of the film which most stood out to me was something relatively minor, but oh so much more relatable. You probably know what this is already from my scoring system, but there’s a scene where Frank’s brother Larry, and some tradesmen, are moving some furniture up some stairs. We see that there’s an exposed nail sticking out of the banister, we see Larry’s hand unknowingly getting closer and closer till the nail gouges a bloody furrow into the back of his hand. It makes me wince every time! I struggle far more with something like that than hooks tearing someone to pieces.

I discussed the Cenobites earlier in the review when talking about creature design but who can forget the absolute horror that chases Kirsty down the corridor which opens in her hospital room. According to sources it’s known as The Engineer but in the film we have no idea what it is, only that we need to get the fuck away from it. It’s hard to describe but it almost looks like a dangling phallus with a creepy face, arms and a stinger like tail. I just love how disturbing it looks.

Another fantastic bit of effects work is where Frank is reforming having been revived by his brother’s blood dripping on the attic floorboards. The use of reverse photography and puppetry here is The Thing levels of practical effects, it’s an absolute masterpiece. It savours the scene as well as we slowly see Frank’s brain and bones emerge from a gooey mess to form the beginnings of a man.

Anyway, look at me chattering away, goodbye for now…

6 – Tasty Treats (Shaun of the Dead)

With Albert’s ominous warning still fresh in your mind you make your way north through the town, looking to escape the strangely deserted streets flanked by crooked buildings, the occasional twitch of a curtain catching your eye where the windows aren’t covered by shutters.

Did somebody move across the end of that alley?

Was that the sound of shuffling feet?

ICE CREAM!

The voice seems to come from directly behind you. Crying out you spin about and see a thin man with a gaunt face wearing white overalls and what appears to be a sailor hat.

Surrounding him is a gaggle of children, but surely you would have heard them, children are usually so…silent, these children are silent. They fidget and jostle one another reaching for the Ice Cream cones the man is handing them, but they don’t say a word.

One by one the children claim their treats and patter off down side streets and into doorways, soon it’s just you and the Ice Cream vendor.

Little rascals, I’ll lose a hand one of these days.

With that he turns his cart around and shuffles off. The streets are empty again.

It’s been a long time coming this review. For whatever reason I found myself procrastinating and kicking the can down the zombie infested road. I had a similar issue with Alien, I think there’s more pressure when it comes to reviewing such a well known and well regarded film.

Edgar Wright’s Shaun of the Dead sits astride the Horror and Comedy genres and manages to be an excellent example of both. Ask anybody who watches a lot of horror to name their top 10 zombie films and Shaun of The Dead will most likely make an appearance, often near the top.

The film follows the titular Shaun as he navigates through his mundane run of the mill life, dealing with housemates, family, his love life…and zombies.

The pacing of the film, and in particular the introduction of the zombies, is brilliant. It’s gradual and subtle at first. We’ve already been shown how zombie like the human characters can be, that Shaun…well, no spoilers. If you haven’t seen this film already then you should go watch it right now. Still here? Fed up of this cliché review trope? OK, let’s continue.

The introduction of the zombies is slick, which is one of the best ways to describe Shaun of the Dead. Whether it’s the rapid cuts to staccato sound effects, or the excellent use of music, it’s lovingly crafted and really stands out in a saturated genre, be that horror or comedy, take your pick.

So it’s been established that Shaun of The Dead is a slick horror comedy, but is it scary, is it funny? I wouldn’t say it’s a scary film, but it has its moments, the threat is real, and the gore is wonderfully done, there’s a scene where a character is pulled through the window which has echoes of a similar scene in George A Romero’s Day of the Dead. The zombies look great, they’re not as grim and relentless feeling as the ones from Lucio Fulci ‘s Zombi 2 for example but they look believable, especially as newly created undead with their skin and clothes mostly intact, these are your neighbours, the people from down the road.

Another thing this film has is real emotion. Be prepared to cry in this film, it’s not all gory set pieces and comedy, it has some truly moving and upsetting scenes. This is the beauty of Shaun of The Dead, it’s just as good at making you cry as it is at making you laugh, and it’s oh so good at making you laugh!

Shaun and his interactions with his best friend Ed, more on him later, provide the bulk of the laughs but honestly the whole cast are hilarious, each in their own way. Fans of Edgar Wright’s series Spaced will feel right at home as the crude fart jokes evolve into ridiculous set pieces, though what I will say is it’s very British. I mean, I am British, so that’s fine for me but I’d be interested to know how the humour translates to non British audiences.

Ed. If I have one issue with this film, it’s that I found Ed entirely unlikable. He has his funny moments, indeed as I said it’s him and Shaun’s banter which provides the meat of the humour, but I find myself adverse to him on every watch through. So there we go, something negative, but it’s more of a personal feeling rather than an issue with the performance, in fact Nick Frost is excellent in the role. Speaking of performances Simon Pegg is at his very best in this film, the range of emotions he goes through and the seeming ease at which he portrays Shaun has you fully engaged with him throughout, you feel what he feels, good, bad and ugly.

Was there ever any doubt, not only of the rating system but of the final score, I’m going to give Shaun of The Dead 5 Cornettos out of 5. An incredible film which is a real contender for best comedy horror ever made.

**WARNING** SPOILERS BELOW **WARNING**

Welcome to the spoiler section. This is the part where I can bring up some specific parts of the film which I’d like to talk about more, whether they be good, or bad.

Let’s talk about the introduction of the zombies. I mentioned this in the spoiler free section but couldn’t go into any detail. It’s so well done. We see signs of what’s to come, a woman collapsing, a man in the park who looks like he’s about to bite into a pigeon, then as we go on, we the audience see more obvious signs whilst Shaun and Ed, drunk at this point, are oblivious to the true nature of a couple of zombies they encounter on their way home from the pub. The culmination of this is when Shaun manages to walk through mostly deserted, except for the occasional zombie, streets, buy something from the shop, leaving money for the absent owner, and walk back home without noticing the zombie apocalypse has even begun!

I mentioned moving and upsetting scenes, there are several, not many of our core group make it through the film, but the scene that hits the hardest is the death of Shaun’s mum. As a viewer we notice something isn’t quite right after her earlier off screen encounter with a zombie, she keeps holding her arm, she’s been bitten. After a tearful reveal in the Winchester, Shaun’s mum dies in his arms, and then to make things worse he has to shoot her when she rises as a Zombie. It’s devastating, and to think 5 minutes ago we were laughing as the gang fought off zombies to the sound of the jukebox blaring Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now, this film has a huge range.

There’s a moment early on in the film which I feel has affected my own life. Now bear with me. In my garden I have a rotating washing line. The central pole of this washing line slots into another pole which is cemented into the ground. I’d quite like to be able to remove the washing line from the base pole so I have a better view of the garden, but I can’t. Not because it doesn’t come out, it does, but because I know that if I do, that exposed pole is 100% going right through somebody! I’ve always found mundane deaths or injuries the worst in films, because I can see them happening! Ugh! No! It makes me cringe.

The end of the film is a nice touch. We get a happy ending…ish…maybe? I mean, it’s about as happy as it could be with the dead people and all. The zombie plague is over, Shaun and Liz are together, and Shaun still has his best friend Ed, in zombie form, chained in the shed…ok so it’s not THAT much of a happy ending.

Sorry.

No no, I’m sorry.